Most of this week I wasn’t sure what day it was, I was completely oblivious to the snow falling outside and hardly noticed the power flickering on and off. I literally was so broken that I wasn’t functioning. I think that I physically have run out of tears-that or the energy to cry anymore today. I spent a lot of time this week lying in the shower I didn’t have the strength to stand up. I just let the hot water pour over me as my mind raced. I felt a lot like a little kid this week in the backseat of a car speeding down the highway in a blur. My mind was racing so wildly and I wanted it so desperately to stop and give me some peace. So many unanswered questions, so much hurt, pain and anguish-feeling so helpless!
I would close my eyes and picture myself holding my brother as a child and consoling him over after he left his favorite stuffed animal in a hotel in Boise, Idaho.
I would close them again and remember faint memories of being in the hospital room when my mom was holding her new baby boy. Now being a mother myself I can understand the overwhelming feelings of those first days. When you look at the precious baby sleeping on your chest and realize that you thought you knew love before, but you had no idea. Having another child she must have felt like her heart was so filled with love it might explode.
I would close them again and picture him when he got back from India with crazy and wild hair. How I took him to get his hair cut, a good American meal and to shop. Tried to teach him about clothing and bought him clothing for his new job-I was so proud of him.
Closed my eyes and pictured him the weekend he died and my mind was racing and blank. What was he thinking? Where was he? What was he doing? Did he think of me? Was he at peace with his decision? When did he die? Why is he gone? So many unanswered questions-
I am very conflicted. I wish so badly that I could have saved him. But, you cannot save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. I keep replaying every moment, every communication everything that wasn’t said and should have been. It helps to sleep in my sleep and dreams this is not happening. The moment that I wake up I am at peace and then a huge wave of pain comes over me. I just cannot believe this nightmare. I really cannot.
I am very sad that so many people are hurting so badly. However, I recently posted a very good quote…
“How lucky am I to have something that makes saying good-bye so hard.”
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4 comments:
The qoute at the end really made me think and will make other think too. You are incredibly strong no matter how awful you feel at this very moment. God will pick your soul up and help you through this. I wish I could hug you and help you through this. I could never imagine. I dont know the situation but you are right that people that do not want to be saved will not be saved. I see this daily in my line of work and with my child's father as he was drug user. I'm praying for you.
Thank you for the post secrets, I am honestly obsessed with them at the moment.
That quote is absolutely right. The fact that you had so many great memories with your brother is such a great thing to remember. I'm glad that you realize exactly what you said about people not wanting to be saved. I'm sure he is happier now for reasons we don't understand. You are very much in my thoughts and prayers...
Juliana...You always write and express yourself so beautifully...I truly can't imagine the depth of pain you are going through right now, and all I can do is hope that each day brings more answers. I know it won't get easier for a long time, but I hope you some day can find some closure with this. Always thinking of you...
Your post is so wonderfully put..
You will continue to be in my prayers.
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