I recently was helping a friend who was struggling with taking things too personally. I was telling her how much thicker my skin had become and realized while helping her how far I have come. A few days later I found myself really crushed over something so trivial. I know that I have screwed up with friendships in my life (haven't we all?). BUT...I really try to be a good friend, and a better person everyday. I care. I care deeply. I reach out to people when no one else is there for them. I am a good friend dammit! So, why did I get so hurt over not being invited? Seriously, there are so many more things to get upset about in this world. How stupid is it to get worked up over one little get together?
At first I just tried to brush it off my shoulder. Then the inner monologue started... Maybe it was planned at the last minute. No, she doesn't do things last minute. Why didn't they invite us? Did I say something wrong? Do they not like us? OMG, they don't like us, that must be it. Why don't like they like us. People like me right? Oh Johnny would have had so much fun. What if his feelings got hurt? Jewels, he is freaking 2 years old he has no clue he wasn't invited. Nope, it's me. I'm the one that is sad...why do I feel like a little kid?!
So, I went on with my day doing adult things and acting like and adult. (Or so I thought) this feeling kept nagging at me, tugging saying, "Hello, I'm still here and I'm still freaking upset and I want to throw a tantrum." 7 hours later it was still bothering me. I talked to a friend about it who responded, "you have more friends than anyone I know why would this bother you?" It did, it really did bother me and it got me thinking about adulthood. Do we ever fully grow up? We spill beer instead of milk, we cling to our spouses during a scary movie, we wear our favorite shirt for comfort...we feel raw and unpredictable emotions just like we used to. Suddenly I felt like this was some eff'ed up version of a bad high school movie and we weren't invited to the biggest party of the year. For a moment this party seemed like the last party on earth and I was getting pretty darn dramatic.
It's interesting sometimes to see how something so trivial can conjure up so many profound emotions. REJECTION. Ouch, it hurts just saying that word doesn't it? Yep, it hurts. We hurt and we move on...because that's what adults do. Remember when a colorful band-aid and a an ice cream cone made everything better when we were kids? It still works:)
60 comments:
I think we ALWAYS hold onto insecurities from our past, even if we don't even fully realize it. I always struggled with fitting in as a teen and I often catch myself having the same self-dialogue that I did 10 years ago. It's a hard habit to break.
Such a great post. Had those same feelings too this weekend. But I look at my hubby and our life and that makes it all better. We did end our weekend with a dip in the pool and ice cream. Some things never change, we just grow up.
Yeah, that is so true. I like to think that I have a pretty thick skin, and then one of my friends will go and say something that will make me start second-guessing myself again.
Your friends are blessed that they have someone that is so dedicated to being their friend! They probably take you for granted sometimes.
No, it is a little lie we tell ourselves that we have "all growed up." Now excuse me while I go have a blue popsicle before all my favorite colors are gone. . .
:)
Oh hun I hear ya loud and clear. I don't get to go too many plances anyway between caring for my mom and my kids. So when your own family doens't even invite ya.. yeah that one hurts..
Ah, there part probably sucked.
Nope, never NOT been invited. Ever. Have no idea what that feels like. JK. ;)
The only person that can hurt my feelings these days is my husband. He is the only one I super duper care about. See, I think my childhood made me insensitive. Made my skin too thick. It had to be thick to overcome a crappy family.
Umm, can you even read my first sentence? WTF? It's like I already had my Vodka this morning. I meant
THEIR PARTY PROBABLY SUCKED!
Now, where did I put my booze again?
Love the quote! I too am like you I hate to be left out it really hurts and I sometimes wonder if other realize it. I hope you have a great Tuesday!
Good post.
I can KIND of relate with a similar party situation, but not really. It's more, they invite everyone because they feel that they have to, but if the right people don't RSVP, they cancel the party and blame it on the fact that "not enough" people responded. They did this with Memorial day. 13 family and friends responded yes, but more family than friends. Canceled! Then 4th of July.. they decided to throw this party last minute, 6 friends responded, no family, the party went on regardless of "the numbers". As one of the family members, I felt like it was kind of a slap in the face. That if they only want certain people there, then maybe they should invite those certain people. Not invite everyone and cancel if the "elite" don't RSVP a "yes".
Yikes, anyway, my point is, I took it pretty personally even though I was being super dramatic. Everyone gave me numerous reasons as to why the party could have gone on, but I couldn't help but feel somewhat insulted.
I don't think it's so much that we never fully grow up, but more that rejection is rejection, at any age. It's not a fun thing to experience. It makes you question yourself, and who you are as a friend or a person or a teammate, etc. Basically, I think it goes against what we are told, ("always be yourself", "you're perfect the way you are") and that confuses us and causes pain. We're told that being ourselves is the way to go, that we're awesome how we already are, no need to change anything.. And yet, we get rejected when being ourselves. So I think it's more of an emotional dilemma for us when we get rejected, because I think we call *ourselves* into question when we get rejected, and that's a painful thing for us to face (however unnecessarily it may be, because as I said, there are soo many reasons why someone goes about a party in the ways that they did)....
Alright, that's super long, and I'm jonesing for my coffee and bagel, so I'm not sure how coherent it was, lol.. Hope it makes sense, and I'm glad ice cream still makes everything better! :) *hugs*
Been there, felt that. Still sucks none the less.
Wish you lived in AZ, I would have drug you and your family to all the places we had to go to - next year you can come to swim and play in our backyard :)
***I dream about my meeting my bloggy blog girlfriends, kinda silly, I know, but it is true!
We may become older, but that doesn't mean we lose our vulnerability or our insecurity.
I know that feeling girl! Its so weird how it doesnt change! Hope your feeling better and have a great week!
im glad to know im not the only one who acts upset when she doesnt get invited somewhere! I seriously was very upset about it and I couldnt figure out why but you are absolutely right!
Wouldn't it be great some days if we could just be a kid again, if only for a day? Less cares. Less responsibilities. You are beautiful and shouldn't let others control your feelings. I am a total hypocrite though as I write this, so practice what I say and not what I do. haha.
Love this :)
I am totally guilty of taking EVERYTHING personally! It's because I care about treating people as nicely as I can and when others don't do the same - it sucks! Just sayin' - I know how you feel. Sorry :/
This is so true, I feel this way sometimes too!
I like to think I'm all grown up, but I'm most likely not. Darn.
I think we all have these feeling through out our lives. I guess our grown upness is measured by how we deal with each situation. I think you dealt with this very well. If I was having a party, I would invite you.
Ha, were you reading my mind?? It feels so weird to be an adult sometimes. Especially now. My husband and I just moved across the country and we are officially by ourselves.
I hate feeling left out, and I get really sad when it happens. You aren't alone. I cry a lot over it.
I does- it still hurts. I need a really BIG ice cream to make it feel better.
I love the quote. I completely am the same way with taking this personally. I am one who doesn't have thick skin at all.
And from your post I will have to say that even though we do not know each other in person I think that you are a WONDERFUL internet friend!
I hope that your week goes well for you and your family!!
I hear you. It still makes us upset when our "friends" dont treat us with the same respect. Not being invited somewhere is very hurtful. And the inner dialouge, so hard to tune out. xxxooo
Rejection is like opening a big can of worms!! I have been fighting this feeling a lot lately, but I try my hardest to grab an ice cream/bandaid and make it all better haha!
What counts as growing up, anyway? I don't think it would be fun to have a life without feelings - and if you want to feel the good stuff, you have to feel the bad stuff sometimes, too. Ice-cream definitely helps, though ;)
Wow, I can so relate to this post. I've felt crushed recently, over not just losing one friend but a couple. I guess adult-life is just getting to be a kid all over again, but with different things to deal with.
I don't think we can ever outgrow rejection, unfortunately! So sorry that your friend - intentionally or not - hurt your feelings. That's a hard thing to get over.
I think we all end up feeling sometimes like small, helpless children inside when we are frightened or uncomfortable or feel rejected, no matter how many bills we pay or how often we floss. I don't think that ever goes away. When the child in me reacts to something that someone else (childishly) did, I give myself permission to be both the child and adult. I give myself about five whole minutes to stomp my foot, whine, feel crushed, whatever, because if I deny it or ignore it or pretend it's not there... it just gets louder and louder and louder. I indulge (not publicly, though) in acting like a brat for five whole very satisfying minutes.
And then my adult, parenting self comes along and picks up the pieces and communicates clearly and effectively to whomever did that to me about how that made me feel and what I would like him or her to do differently the next time around.
Bam. 99% of the problem is solved. But judging yourself for having a childish reaction? I've noticed that doesn't really help. ;)
::hugs hon::
Gotcha...so true. Things like this still matter to me and I have no idea why. It's so frustrating and then we end up being upset with ourselves over this trivial matter. My advice? Ask the chicka what was up...it couldn't hurt. Sometimes it's hard to mix groups...I, personally, have a really hard time with that. Who knows??
Can SO relate to this. And also to taking most things too personally. Nice to know I'm not alone :)
Rejection is the worst--especially when it's an emmotion you're not use to.
That may sound bad and "mean-girl" esque- but when you're accustom to being popular and wanted, when it doesn't happen you find yourself in uncharted territory.
I think the fix is a bottle of wine, trashy television and a pedicure with a friend who thinks you're the cat's meow. I'm sure you have an abundance of those!
Definitely felt those insecure feelings- it can be the most random, trivial things that get us all worked up... and most of the time it is a complete misunderstanding and we blow it out of proportion in our minds.
I have pretty thick skin, but some days I am more sensitive than others- I think that part is just a girl thing =)
Do we ever really grow up? Yes and no. Rejection at any age hurts. How we handle it changes. Very likely you will get an opportunity to have a conversation with this person (if you are actually friends) and maybe you can divine what happened. You may not have to ask. She may begin with an apology that goes something like, "I am so sorry. I had this party and totally forgot to invite you and I can't believe it. There was all this stuff going on blah blah blah. Can you forgive me?" If you aren't good enough friends to have a one-on-one conversation, well maybe that is the answer to your question. If so, there really isn't any reason to be upset.
One of the best lines I ever heard was on Dr. Phil (which I rarely watch). A woman told him that she didn't like him very much. His response to that was, "It is a good think that your opinion about me has no impact whatsoever on my self-esteem." And there it is. Rejection. If someone doesn't like us, it makes us question our self worth. It shouldn't. When we can draw that line and decide whose opinion matters and whose doesn't, that changes the ballgame.
Love ya Juliana. You are awesome. I promise that you can come to any party that I throw. It would be quite a trip, but you are always invited!
I do the same thing! I have HUGE rejection issues and I was somewhat hurt on the 4th when a bunch of friends got invited someplace and Boyfriend and I didn't. I felt like we're "second string" friends.
I will never fully grow up, I like ice cream and swings too much :)
So true. I used to think (when I was a child) that grown ups were so mature and didn't have nearly the stuff to deal with that I did. Then I grew up and realized I was absolutely right...it just gets worse. ;)
Hey cutie... and I love this post. I found myself nodding with every line. It hurts when we know we've done everything we can for a friend, but then the drama inserts. I think adults are better at walking away. Come stop by today to find out what the best advice given to me about dieting and honeymoon travel was!
I totally get how you feel. I've felt excluded before too, when I haven't been invited to do something.
A long time ago, a coworker that I shared a cubicle with was having a party. She talked about it a little bit and some other coworkers mentioned it too and asked if I was going. I was really hurt that I never got an invitation but didn't say anything as I had to work right next to this girl everyday so I figured it would be best not to. The party came and went and my coworker asked why I didn't come. I told her I wasn't invited. I actually did get an invitation only it got mixed up amongst a bunch of paperwork for work and I never saw it until I went back to look for it.
Maybe your invitation got lost in the mail?
Wonderful post
Wonderful post!! Sometimes it's so hard for me to not take things personal and let insecurites get me down. I'm a lot better at it now than I used to be. Some things I just need to learn to let go.
Aaaw i can totally relate to this, thanks for sharing! BTW that little fockers trailer looks sooo cute :)
The comment from Grey's said it all "we're still a bunch of kids, running around the playground, trying desperately to fit in."
It's true.
We want to be liked because it feels better than being rejected.
Some people can grow up and never care about other people, and to some degree most of us don't care what other people think or say about us.
But then there are those, that we are so emotionally invested in that when they reject us, it sucks and it hurts.
But it's all a learning experience and we do grow from it.
Yeah.. I try to be a good friend too but sometimes, something happens. Unfortunately now that we're adults, sometimes we just have to put our big girl pants on and move on. :( I want ice cream now.
Ouch- that's exactly how I feel a lot. I get so upset (on the inside) about things. Why didn't she pick me as a bridesmaid? Why did he use that tone with me? etc. etc.
Good to know I'm not the only one that still feels that way!
I would totally feel the same way. While my "not growing up" feeling isn't about not being invited to a party, I've recently had a lot of moments where I still wanted to be a little girl for a minute. Ice cream certainly helps!
I love that quote from Grey's, lol.
That inner dialogue is something I'd totally say to myself. The sting of rejection or not feeling appreciated is something I deal with often.
*HUGS*
It's funny you write about this because I've been going through some very very similar things with my friends. It's hard when you start you own families and things change. Priorities change but you still want to feel included and it does suck when you feel left out especially when you know that you have been there for all of them!
I guess it's just something that we need to accept and remember whats really important in our lives.
i love your honesty and i can relate completely. i am normally not phased by little things but every once in a while something will get me and my insecurities come running out. it sucks but then you move on.
Girl, I totally get that! It's amazing how quick rejection can sting, no matter how secure you're feeling!
Jules, I love the way you can connect a brilliant "Grey's Anatomy" quote to life. Sometimes, it is the small thing that can unearth some hidden insecurities, but loved ones and ice cream will always be a great cure.
Just found your blog. LOVE it! Great writing style :)
love it! I totally agree, we are all just little kids at heart. Sometimes when I go to Panera and they are out of black bean soup, I want to throw myself on the floor and kick and scream. haha. ; )
This is a great post. I completely agree with you on how we are all truly still just kids. Kids with a better way of handling things than we used to. But sometimes we just want to break down and be a kid. I know what you mean completely.
I especially liked the inner monologue part of your post. It sounds exactly like something I would think.
I use to take things super personal but over the years I've just learned to let it go.
I agree, ice cream makes things better. =)
I am reading this as I am currently going through this struggle of rejection with a dear friend of mine.
Ice cream, colorful band-aids and Grey's Anatomy quotes, of course, always help :)
Have a great day! Keep your head high!
well this one hit a nerve!
i think like this oftentimes!
its not just insecurities...I think we are trying to protect ourselves from getting hurt...Never make someone a priority, when you are just an option to them.
It's almost comforting to know that other people still feel the same feelings I do. The older I get, the more I feel as if the mentality is we are eventually supposed to stop "feeling." That scares me. I don't want to stop "feeling." I want to be real. I want to experience emotions and watch others experience them as well. Thank you for giving me the realization that "feeling" never goes away. xoxo
Love, Mere
Rejection absolutely hurts! No matter how old we get that is something that won't go away.
Sorry you had to go through 7 or 9 hours feeling lousy and questioning yourself. I've been there. It sucks.
I agree with previous posters - I think its natural to hold onto feelings and insecurities from the past. My guess is that the way we handle them and approach them is the true sign of growing up.
I am 50 something years old and things like that still hurt me!! For example on Facebook...I always comment on peoples pictures and posts and it seems those same people never comment on mine.....I sometimes want to say hey can anyone see me!!
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