When I drove down the long road to the house I pictured us bundled up in those ridiculous layers marching like sumo wrestlers up the snowy sidewalks. We kept blowing the air to see our breath fog and giggled with delight. Up and up we went until we reached the top, placed our sleds down on that crystal layer of sparkling snow and away we went. I always had you in my lap, my arms tightly around your waist...I was always protecting my little brother. Down we went with the wind blowing in our eyes, the snow tickling our noses as we screamed with that rush.
I pulled up to the house telling myself that I was fine that this was going to be just like any other normal day with the family. Except it was anything but normal...it was your birthday only you aren't here to celebrate it anymore. As hard and I tried to push it all further and further into my mind the more the emotions kept tugging at me. Inside the house, your pictures are everywhere. I try to tell myself that this house looks different...this is where my parents live. But, to me...this house is where I become who I am...and who I am was also molded by you. Now your gone...but everything else is still there. The stair case you used to slide down, the kitchen table where you sat with me every night, the yard, the playhouse, the garden, the apple trees, your bed, your room.
Mother and I went through some old photo albums on Monday and a lot of pictures made us laugh...we had so many great times. They were all pictures I had seen before, but I still enjoyed looking at them. I pulled out a tattered old book and opened it up to see her pregnant...with you. I stood next to her lifting my shirt trying to stick out my belly. (I guess I have always wanted to have that pregnant belly). Pictures of your first moments on earth, Mother holding you so close and smiling. It's funny how clear your memories can be sometimes when you are so young. I remember when you were born, I remembering touching you for the first time...you were my little brother and I was your big sister. I protected you your entire life, until I no longer could.
We went to see Brandon Riley and took Johnny to the Carousel of Happiness up in the mountains. When we were in there Daddy said, "Come on Brandon, let's go..." I turned out faster than I ever have moved in my life for that split second I actually thought I was going to see you. It was so hard hearing him say that name and it not being you. At that point no matter how hard I tried to be happy and cheerful and make it just another day...it wasn't. It was your birthday and you weren't there. It's easy for other people to not understand why it's a big deal...but it is. I lost my baby brother and no matter how many years go by, nothing can change that fact. Seeing my mother having to bury her baby will NEVER get easier to stomach. I looked at her yesterday and I knew that all the super glue in the world would never fix how broken she is. I tried to be strong for her...I really did. I don't blame you, and I have come to accept what you felt you had to do...but that won't stop me from missing you. I stayed up most of night..I just couldn't sleep...wishing that things could have been, would have been, should have been different. Then, letting myself realize that if I stayed up a million years I could never change anything....so I slept. I slept and I didn't dream of you. I hope you are at peace. I hope you are happy. I hope you know how much you were loved and are loved...
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