Friday, January 7, 2011

Dear Johnny

Dear Johnny it's been awhile since I wrote you a letter. I hope and pray you'll have very little recollection of this phase of our lives. If you are able to conjure up any moments from this young age I hope they are blurred memories bundled up in faint giggles. I hope you can only remember the good times even though often those seemed far and in-between. The truth is there is always more good than the visible eye can see. If you can remember these days I'd want you to remember that it's only on the darkest nights of our lives that the stars are most visible.

You woke up tonight with a terrible nightmare. You screamed so loudly the air just escaped from your little lungs and clung onto the walls of this house. You were screaming ,"mommy no! No ambulance!" I heard it and my heart sunk (it's always my heart doing something isn't (wasn't) it? Only your nightmare has been our reality for months. I hate that I was the instigator of your terror. It shouldn't be that way. Two and half year olds should play with toy ambulances and make fun siren noises, they shouldn't be strapped to one that's taking their mommy for the dozenth time this year.  You should be playing in the snow and not asking if I need more oxygen or if I need medicine. I'm sorry. I really am. But know that even though my heart may be flawed in so many ways medically that it truly beats for you. People throw words around all the time but I mean it when I say that you saved me. You did and someday when you are old enough to understand why you'll know.

I know that I am missing out on a lot of your life right now. I cry about it a lot but there's not much I can do but hope. Hope for better days and all the fun we will have together. For now, I'll take what I can get. At this exact moment you are asleep in my bed next to me. I'm  exhausted and I sleep most of the day but I'm wide awake. I watched you sleeping for awhile that cute little pucker and your soft sweet face. I held your little foot and thought about all the places it will take you in life. I held your tiny body next to mine and found my breath was taken away. This time not because of something medical but again because I am overwhelmed by the amount of love I have for you. When you are a parent someday you will understand it. All my life I was enamored with love...I've lived everyday for just another taste and couldn't get enough. Then you were born and it's like nothing I'd ever felt before. Ten million, trillion times stronger than any love I'd ever had for anyone even your daddy. It's the most beautiful Feeling in the world. I'm your mommy! Every time I see that I smile as if it's the first time I've ever said those words. The best thing I'll ever be called...mommy. Your mommy. I've always loved you good times, bad times, the worst of times-all of it. Even when I wasn't there...even all those months when someone else tucked you into bed. Those months when I felt like someone had replaced me they hadn't I was still your mommy. In bed or not I love you just the same actually more.

I'm your mommy:) that's the greatest thing in the world

125 comments:

DT said...

you are a great mommy, i can say that for sure!

Ashley @ KiwisandCocktails said...

This is such a beautiful letter!! It broke MY heart to read about his nightmares, but I am sure he wont remember this time, and he will only remember what a loving, caring, beautiful mom he has! :)
xoxoxo

Rebekah said...

This is too sweet. I'm sure he won't remember too much about this time. He will know he is loved though!

Jody said...

What a sweet letter. It tugged at my heart to read about his nightmare.

Clemson Girl said...

Beautiful

Robin said...

I love these letters and so will he... someday. And he is young. Fortunately. And you will get better, so this won't be what he remembers most. And that is what you need to remember. His nightmares will cease when he realizes that the scary is over. I know that he gets lots of kisses and giggles. He knows he is loved. You are a wonderful mommy.

Gingeyginge said...

He knows his mommy is a very special lady.x.

jordiegirl said...

Lovely reading your letter to your little boy. We never remember things from when we were really small so hopefully he won't remember the bad times. He has a super mommy and I'm sure he knows it.

Tiffany said...

Johnny is a lucky boy to have a wonderful mother like you. <3

Hilldog said...

Thank you for sharing!

Laurie said...

Juliana - I'm so glad to see your recent blog posts!!! You remain on my kitchen prayer list board and I think of you so often. I was so wondering what was happening with you. I'm just so sorry you've had to go through so much. I'm also so thankful the medical folks seem to know better how to help you now!!!! Praise God! God bless you and yours in this new year - praying your health improves, improves, improves. Thanks for letting us be a part of your journey!!! Love Laurie from Scene of the Grime

Kelly's Avenue said...

You are an amazing mommy. What a beauitful letter to Johnny!!!

xoxoxoxo

Ginger said...

You always write such beautiful letters to your son, but this one took my breath away. You are an amazing mommy and lady

I Love Pretty Little Things said...

What a beautiful letter to your son. Oh, the heart of a mother, there is nothing that compares!
I read back a couple of posts and remember when this all started for you. My Goodness, I had no idea that your life had changed so dramatically.
I will say a prayer for you and your family.
God Bless,
Joyce

Sarah RDH said...

He will so treasure your letters when he's older!! Praying for your continued progress!

Brittany said...

I haven't been around in the blog world for a while so I'm not sure how you are doing but I hope you are getting better. This letter to your baby boy was so sweet and I'm sure he knows just how much you love him. I'm so sorry to hear about his nightmares though :( He won't remember then when he's older though, I'm sure. Hang in there pretty lady. Keep smiling :)

Colleen said...

You are strong and brave. This is my first time visiting you here and your letter is so stirring and beautiful. I think your son WILL understand all this someday.

Thank you for posting this...I am sorry you are going through hard times but you have inspired me to not take my own time with my son forgranted. I've been really struggling with impatience lately and your words remind me how fragile our lives are.

Take care.

Jojo said...

And Johnny's love will see you through to better days.

Rebecca said...

This too shall pass...he will be fine. He loves you and just wants to make sure you're okay. You can credit that to great parenting in the early early years of his life. That kind of empathy is awe-inspiring.

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

What a wonderful letter.

Tickled Pink said...

Wow! My eyes just burst with tears! What a sweet letter. I am sure that your handsome little man knows how much you love him and in the future it will not be the bad/sad times that he remembers most but the loving mommy he has! :)

Dysfunctional Mom said...

My heart goes out to you and him, and I hope that you get completely better and he has no memories of the sick times. xoxo

Cindy said...

This was beautiful. Your son is blessed...don't you forget that. <3

Hang in there, you. XOXOXO

Jenni said...

giant tears streaming down my face. oh, how sweet was this letter to your son.

i am so sorry that he had such a horrible nightmare.

he loves you and is so lucky to have you!

i am glad you are going to be ok.

sprinkles said...

This is such a beautiful letter to Johnny! I hope he gets to read it one day and understands what an excellent mommy you are!

I'm not going to quit blogging, I'm just taking a break for a week or two. I'm starting college in just over a week and I want some time to adjust to all the changes. So you have fair warning - I will be back! lol

Leia said...

Aww this is so sweet! :)

You really do sound like a great mom.

Leia

Megan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Worthington said...

You are a fabulous mother. He will learn in time that it will be a great lesson in finding a similarly strong woman when he is looking for love. Keep on Carry on and you will continue to heal. Hugs!!!

[and thank you for the blog comment, XO]

Mortimer said...

He loves you too.

Ms. Emily Ann said...

Such a sweet letter. I am so happy that there is light for you and your family. You deserve the best in life! Sending you continued strength, prayers and hugs!! Happy to have you back in the blogging world!

The Shepherdess said...

A beautiful expression of what I'm sure is only a fraction of what is in your heart. Johnny is a very blessed little boy. Not just because his mommy loves him, but because she's such a special, brave woman herself!!

Marci said...

This is beautiful. I am so sorry you are having to go through this, I hope the Doctors figure things out for you ASAP. He is one loved little guy, you seem like such a great Mommy and i can't imagine how much this is breaking your heart. :( Remain positive! I really hope you get better, SOON! <3
-Marci

lindsay said...

As always beautiful. I wish my letters to maddox were as powerful. Love you!

Parum Morsus said...

I am sitting in my car right now, trying so hard not to cry. This breaks my heart, but in such a good way. I hope that one day Johnny realizes how very lucky he is.

That one girl said...

Awwww! Great letter girl and I doubt he will remember any of this. Aren't memories weird? My first one was of a squirrel. Not my mom, dad, toys but a squirrel!

The most important thing is your love for him and knows that!

Jennifer said...

What a beautiful letter! Made me cry...for you, for Johnny. You are in my prayers EVERY day and constantly in my thoughts and on my heart. LOVE YOU dear friend!!

Connie K said...

What a sweet letter !

ag. said...

Oh this made me cry. I cannot wait to be a mom.

deepintheheartoftexas2 said...

Glad you are doing better. I hope he doesn't have any more nightmares.

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Kristin said...

He's lucky to have you as his mama!

Janine said...

Precious lady ... you are such a good mommy. I am continuing to pray for your health! Sending you BIG LOVE today.

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Ashley Stone said...

love this! you're a wonderful mommy. Lots of love to you and your John's. xoxox

The Townhouselady said...

Your little boy is *very* lucky to have such a strong mommy.

Feel better!

The Townhouselady

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kittypolishnbags said...

Hi there,

I'm so glad that you're back blogging again. This is such a sweet letter. He will understand it one day. He loves you so much, as you do with him. Hang in there!

Mugdha said...

This is the sweetest letter ever. Maybe it'll take a while to forget the ambulance visits, but one thing you know he'll remember is how much love and care his mommy gave him. :)

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You are such a wonderful and strong women. These letters are so full of tenderness and love. Without a doubt your son knows that he was such a courageous woman for a mother. You have lots of love and prayers being sent your way - your readers all care and appreciate the honesty you give

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preppyplayer said...

So glad you're back. I promise he will not remember this. Recently, I was talking with my seventeen year-old daughter and I brought up a trip to disney we took when she was five, how great it was, etc.
She had no memory of it, nothing.
Kids barely remember the good things when they were that little and I think God prevents them from remembering the bad.
Good to see you have that chin up :)

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I love the idea of writing a letter to your little boy.. it was so sweet & honest. =) Sorry your son is having nightmares tho, bless his heart. I hope for better health for you & SOON. =)

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